Things that Keep Me Awake at Night (aka Reasons I’m Not Right in the Head)


I don’t sleep well.  I’ve never really slept well.  I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep and then I have trouble waking up.  It’s a whole vicious cycle and I hate it.  The reason I can’t sleep has nothing at all to do with a medical or psychological condition.  It is that my brain decides to come up with the most random shit the minute I lie down.

I decided to keep track of a week’s worth of random insomniac thoughts and share them with you.

  • There are lots of people who think I’m really nice.  If these same people could see my thoughts like a little cartoon bubble over my head, they’d probably never speak to me again.
  • I’d never survive the zombie apocalypse.  I couldn’t go a single day without running water.  The combination smell of rotting flesh and stinky living people would be more than my gag reflex could handle.
  • I wonder if I have a stalker.  Is there at least one random person in this world who is just totally obsessed with me?  Let’s be real…of course there is.
  • I wonder what happened to that spider I tried to kill that ran under the coffee table earlier.
  • Did  you hear that?  Nope.  Nothing.
  • I paid $100,000 to learn how to drink a beer bong because there is nothing else I remember from four years of college.
  • I wonder what that other guy from Wham! is up to these days?  Hell, what’s George Michael doing now?
  • Are there alien life forms out there who see things like Keeping Up with the Kardashians and the Republican primaries and just move on assuming there is no intelligent life here?
  • If someone (probably the aforementioned stalker) were to murder me, please let them have the decency to bury my dead ass.  Please don’t let anyone find me wrapped in a tarp in nothing but my bra and panties like they do on SVU.
  • I really want a Twinkie.  Really, really, really.  Twinkie’s are delicious.  I’m so glad Hostess made their way back.  What a travesty if generations of people were denied Twinkies and Snowballs and cupcakes.  Now I want a Snowball.  Damn it.
  • I wish I could be 6 feet tall just for one day.  I’d just go around getting stuff off of tall shelves for people and being able to reach the bottom of my washer.
  • Remember that time the lady at the Post Office thought I was my ex-husband’s daughter and my son’s sister?  That was amazing.
  • Maybe I’ll get up and go to the gym in the morning.  Hahahahaha.  Who am I kidding?
  • I can’t believe they remade Poltergeist with an even scarier toy clown.  I didn’t sleep for a week when I watched the original.  Make a mental note to remove all clown-type toys from the house.

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